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Letting Go

"Its easy to hold on but Letting go is always the hardest because of fear of the unknown"
You start letting go when all the hurt, pain, hardness of heart, and feelings of unforgiveness subsides
You allow the wall erected around your heart as protection from being hurt to crumble like an old abandoned structure
You start feeling a peace which surpasses all understanding that you might ask yourself: “Why was I holding onto all that mess?” “What took me so long to arrive?”
You finally realise that there is no compromise when it comes to your peace of mind so there's no need to hold onto people and things of high levels of toxicity?
Let it all go!
Let the healing begin……….
Open up yourself and welcome the newness:
The nights no longer seem long and treacherous; neither is mornings that hard to face anymore
Waking up now cannot come any sooner to give thanks for the beautiful days which the Lord has made
You notice that you have a new, loving, joyful, positive, forgiving attitude even towards the ones who have hurt you
Your home becomes a peaceful sanctuary- there is contentment, rejuvenation, love and it feels like a nurturing nest
The beds are always made, laundry done, kitchen ‘spic& span,’ refrigerator and pantry full and in order
You feel sexually appealing, tapping into your special hidden skills, emotional, physical, and spiritual fitness is what you now seek; and most of all revealing that great person you were destined to be

Finding Happy-ness 

"I love my husband way too much to live without having him around. He made me feel safe and comforted by the things I admired most about him: he cooks for me, clean up around the house, bought me nice things that aligns with good taste. The disrespect and humiliation is a small price to pay for my version of happiness.

I know that he loves me but he has a lot of issues that just got in the way of things. If I leave him, he is going to deteriorate so I need to protect him. I can help him. As his wife, it’s my responsibility to pray for my husband so he can be delivered from all his demons." I take my marriage vows very seriously: “in sickness & in health, til death do us part.”


Took me 9 years to realize that I am suppressing my needs, expectations and wishes by being passive and naive. As a result, my needs are neglected and I am at war with certain core values; fighting a raging, endless war with myself. This also had a double impact on the limitations I set for my relationship because I have breached certain boundaries as well as allowing others to cross them as well. I would also realize that my profound unhappiness, unfulfilling desires, stagnant growth, and a feeling of void was due to a lack of self-awareness. I recalled jumping frantically from my sleep one night to question where I was and surprisingly who I was. I had an outer body experience, like I was in a trance and everything and everybody around me seemed strange. When I awoke, I ran around the house trying to make sense of why I was there (in my own home) and asked myself, "who are these people?" I was so deeply moved by this revelation that I started praying in hopes of gaining some clarity and drawing some reference to my day to day life from that point on.

As time progressed, I began to learn that being in a mutually fulfilling relationship, first I must have enough self-knowledge to understand and articulate my needs, which in turn will give me a sense of how to feel happy. We are all unique in our own way and it is our values that dictate the way we choose to live and if we think otherwise we risk settling into a life that is not suited for us. The choice to live in a marriage marred by infidelity and mistrust brought on issues of decision making, trust and self-knowledge. Since I was so lax with what I really wanted in the relationship and living by 'his terms' per se, I had a difficult time identifying why I would choose to be part of all this drama and better yet expose my children to it. Deep down inside me I know everything was out of place because I ignored my instincts. I was always fully aware of his little flings, knowing that one day this would be the demise of the relationship if I don’t get a grip of who I am, what I wanted and how much I trust myself that I can make it all happen the way I want it to. Furthermore, feeling empty and void on the inside worsen the situation because I was constantly seeking to fill the voids, which place him in a position to undermine my self-worth, not fulfilling my needs and expectations since I have a hard time articulating, understanding and being respectful of them myself. Since I didn’t, he won’t either. I had to constantly remind myself that I don’t need any false sense of security, and validation from a person who is self-centered, and superficial.

On the contrary, I now realize that I have to understand my needs in order to understand my values and vice versa. It all makes sense now why I was feeling like there was always something “missing” and that I am being neglected because it was exactly so. I realigned my focus and redirected my attention, looking to the rightful person, who is highly capable and respectful of my own feelings, needs and values, Moi. There is no guarantee that forming a relationship based on attraction, familiarity, long-term bonds are equivalent to achieving a great relationship with all your needs being met, however, when two people who are willing to value themselves and meet and respect their own individual needs and values, they’ll be happiest in their relationship and in any situation where they have shared common values.

Speaking of 'happy,' I often questioned how happy he was with himself, the relationship and myself because he hung out all the time, dated other women, and always have kept busy in the partying scene. I assumed that he was very happy just the way things were while I have developed an insatiable urge of ‘hunger’ for happiness but I was forced to deal with the crumby diet I was on. I felt like he has to be contented because his needs and wants are being met despite the fact that what I have seen is far from enough. He has a soft side but I didn’t believe that empathy was his strongest suit so I thought that he also assumed that if it’s alright with him then it’s alright with me………………………………………………………………………...to be continued

3 Main reasons Women sacrifice so much in unhealthy relationships

Often times I feel like women sacrifice too much to be in intimate relationships. We sacrifice our family, children, friends, jobs etc. and even our livelihood to be in a relationship that is full speed ahead to nowhere.   I have heard that there is a shortage in finding a man (http://wendiswurlthinkaloud.blogspot.com/2012/11/man-shortages-are-we-talking-height-or.html) so could that be the reason for a woman to give more than she will ever receive? Or maybe it’s because we are too picky to find “the one” that we are forced to deal with “what’s-left?”Better yet this is by far my favorite, women have a shelf life so after your expiration date you are just stuck with what you already have or what you might possibly find. I really don’t know how to try to understand this selfless, senseless undertaking so I question issues of our upbringing, sexuality and worth.

“A woman’s worth under any circumstances

should not be measured by quantitative amounts

or in relation to a man’s expectation.”

Believe it or not I believe that females put too much pressure on themselves than they do on men because there is a misunderstanding on matters of needs and identifying with values. In a previous blog http://wendiswurlthinkaloud.blogspot.com/2012/11/at-one-point-i-felt-like-i-love-my.html where I expressed how malnourished I was in my relationship and it was in part of me not fully understanding my own needs and values. After time has eloped and some painful memories followed, I began to realize that I am not a victim of my circumstance. I had to make a choice to demand that my needs are met or I would have to make some rearrangements in my life. Sure enough I am still a work in progress but I must say that change came about if not in anyone else, it showed in the way I now choose to live, be treated and the things that I am willing to tolerate. This is by far an easy endeavor especially when you live to match up to being the standards of the “good girl” character which is popularly known also as the “doormat.” When women can finally identify how much they are really worth to a man, then there will be no need for unhealthy relationships and the depletion of her self-esteem.

Sexuality also plays a key role in the undermining of females in heterosexual relationships and funny enough I have seen the same trend in homosexual relationships (lesbians). I am referring to the girl on girl union where one mimics the male role in the relationship. Shims (She-him) as they are called is a girl who pretty much takes on the demeanor of a guy in a homosexual relationship.

“I have observed various demeaning similarities

between a shim and a hetero guy

such as hunter-prey characteristics displayed in men

and the willingness to be unfaithful.”

Unfaithful men (serial cheaters) are always on the prowl of picking up random chics and so does most shims. Despite the fact that genetically shims are females, they have somehow adapt to this male behavior without the hormones and plumbing so it makes fair to say that cheating is indeed a learnt behavior thus it should not be tolerated.

Hence, females should not subject themselves to be treated any less than they are whether in a homo or hetero relationship because allowing someone to feel justified in their actions to mistreat you is like a suicide mission to kill who you are and ever will be as a person. Sexuality in itself is just a coded component (plumbing fixtures) to differentiate man from woman, therefore it should not be a measure to undermine or bolster anyone self-esteem.

In addition, the damage is already done at home so how can we turn back the hands of time?

I am referring to our upbringing as the arena or center stage where behaviors and expectations are already molded into beliefs. Children will always live what they learn and vice versa and let’s not forget that children turn into adults so our adults today will be as responsible and conscientious as the adults before them. The message here is that mothers and fathers are both key players in the future behavior and expectation of their sons and daughters. Thought I was going to address only females right? But who would I be kidding? The same way Mom treats Dad and vice versa will be the same way lil Annie and lil Timmy will be when they are old enough for intimate relationships and lets not forget lil Johnny and lil Simone who also witnessed Mom’s or Dad’s extramarital affairs.

Grown women should not need anyone to point out the obvious that they are willing to give more to a man than he will ever return to her, therefore, it’s by choice and not force that she will also decide to fight for a relationship that comes without any fringe benefits. When you all have decided to go work for a company for free then this endeavor will all make sense. There are principles to live by and it should not be at the expense of anyone. Relationships should be bulit and grounded on principles of mutual respect; anything else is mediocre, its just that simple.

Feel free to share your thoughts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Can't Give up on our Men because we are all they have"

I must confess that my thoughts of men were once set on irrefutable premise of despair. In other words, I have ‘given up’ on them on all grounds of having any hope at all.   Being married to one who also fathered my beautiful children have no doubt forced me to deal with many challenges; all of which I now realized was due to a few misunderstandings. Did I just admit to all the confusion that exists in relationships and how they help to shape how we all see/deal with each other? What are the possible misconstructs that we build our friendships and marriages on? What can we do as females, mothers, wives to bridge the gap?


Can we achieve the fullness and completeness that we all seek without compromising self? After going through my ongoing transformation, I have identified some key pointers and eye openers that allow me to better cope with all my shortcomings and preserving a new found sense of hope.


Well for starters females have not quite developed an understanding of their men, me included. We are emotionally wired creatures who sometimes wear all our emotions on our sleeves with ease but for our male counterpart, we have to expect quite the opposite because they are naturally born ‘thinkers.’ We feel, they think; is it a coincidence why they are the intended leaders while we are the heart of the home? Let’s take a closer look on our daily interactions. Ask a guy how he’s feeling and pay close attention to his response. Besides it being short and to the point, doesn’t it sometimes sendoff light bulbs in your head? I can recall getting a quick, to the point, no sense of emotion response that just sound so scripted it shattered the suspicious meter in my head. Baffling my leery thoughts with a hint of doubt will somersault a very casual convo into a full blown cyclonic argument. I am not implying the diarrhea of the mouth kind of argument but just to create a mental pic of the misinterpretations that exist between men and women in their communication.

This is also another reason why men don’t like to argue. It’s not about winning or losing, who can throw the most insulting blows or who is right or wrong but they are all about logic. Ever tried to start an argument with your guy about an obvious issue but his reaction is like WTF are you talking about? Almost as if there is an instant language barrier? In most instances, he is not trying to avoid the matter but he just has a difficult time processing your feelings and reaction and possibly thinking about what reaction he should unleash out of the bag. He is all about controlling his emotions and creating equilibrium to balance his thoughts. They are well aware that their feelings and thoughts can easily turn into anger and rage so the only ‘logical’ thing to do is to sometimes ignore you. Ignore, now that’s the worst response in the book because females always ‘feel’ the need to address certain issues by expression at will and if she gets an undesired response, all hell will break loose.
We also need to realize that our men are ‘wired’ not ‘weird;’just because we can’t fully understand their disposition doesn’t make them a misfit. Don’t you think that they know there is something different about them? They are aware that there is something wrong with the way they grow and develop to maturity and it should be ok, I would think. Can we all fix something that we don’t fully understand or can we change someone? I have learnt first-hand that there is no changing a man; they seek their sexual identity and maturity through numerous sex partners, which they refer to as exploration; they will even run like a fugitive from overwhelming responsibilities if they can’t figure a way out; they will constantly seek validation and the approval from their peers even it means losing the person they love, and regretting it later; and last but certainly not the least, they secure that tough exterior to the point where their hollow insides collapse beyond disbelief. Identifying the differences between men and women should not be a matter of who does it better, who is right or wrong; the attention should be focused on acknowledging who we are as females and how much we need to admit our differences to the opposite sex.
We need to relieve our men of all the burdens of society that places too much encumbrance on their shoulders. We need to treat them like a complement, not like a supplement. We need to try to clear the air for them so they are not forced to ‘feel’ their way in relationships. We can also try to change the way we see them interchangeably with the ideals of their leadership role. They are not and will never be our equal so us females need to stop conforming to ideas that defy this model. Everyone has an assign role and duties to perform which is in perfect alignment. We can no longer continue to emasculate our men by telling ourselves that they are not needed; having no significant purpose but to breed; and overly feminizing our baby boys who will be highly sensitive and soft spoken adult males. The downside of this chauvinistic behavior is only pushing our men away and out of line with their purpose………............................................................to be continued

Set Me Free

The first prayer I learnt was the Lord’s Prayer that emphasized that we have to forgive in order for our Heavenly Father to also forgive us of our sins (Matt. 6: 9-15)


.  Of course I had no clue what that meant at the time but through memorization and practice, the words sank into my brain.  Now what good is it to repeat the words of a model prayer without fully understanding its meaning?  There are many principles that we tend to learn, good or bad but there is no suggested purpose or conceived meaning thus making them really impractical.  Forgiveness is one such notion that is imprinted on our minds but so difficult to be executed because there is no basis for it to be valued.

As a child, I was told to apologize, saying the words ‘I’m Sorry’ when I have done someone wrong but come to think of it now, is an apology also an act of forgiveness?  I highly doubt that because I can recall repeating those words and still be clinging to feelings of anger towards someone despite who was in the wrong/right.  But as always we are expected to do the right thing irrespective of how we deal with our feelings.  It’s not until my adult years that I finally realized that what we say have to match up with what we feel in our hearts.  On numerous occasions I have forced myself to believe that I have forgiven certain individuals especially my husband but later found out that my feelings towards him are so singing a different tune.

When we fail to totally forgive, feelings of unforgiveness such as bitterness and resentment set in.  Our hearts become molded with grief that eventually it hardens by layers and layers of unforgiveness.  Despite the discomfort felt, there are painful memories and an embedded list of offenses that prevents you from really letting go, forgetting, and moving forward in your life.  Since there was no value placed on the act of forgiveness during our formative years (0-7), then we devise our own interpretation which is of course self-centered and superficial.  What do you do when your spouse continuously does/says things to offend you?  We quickly harbor feelings of unforgiveness because we believe that forgiveness is enabling them.

However, if we had developed a foundational basis for forgiveness we would know that forgiving an offender is actually releasing oneself from the bondages of unforgiveness; setting you free instead of believing that you are allowing your offender to become repetitive in his/her actions.  The choice to forgive isn’t about your offender but yours for the taking. 

Seek peace, cleanse your heart of all the debris and let go of all bad memories without looking back in the past; move forward and develop a readiness in your heart to always forgive.

 

 

I'm Sorry

I believe I owe you an apology so here goes:

I’m sorry for always trying to help you…almost like playing the role of your mother instead of fulfilling your needs like a girlfriend should
I’m sorry for trying to care for you like a Mother caring for her child
I’m sorry for feeling the need to help….wishing constantly that there was something I can do to make all your troubles/worries go away
I’m sorry for feeling responsible for all your mistakes and always working hard to relieve you of any additional stress that comes along with taking care of your responsibilities
I’m sorry for taking care of your obligations…thinking that I’m being supportive
I’m sorry for feeling neglected and unwanted when I was supposed to gather my own strength, ignoring my own needs to be there for you when you needed me
I’m sorry for thinking you didn’t care for me at all..…silly me ;)
I’m sorry for not being the expressive kind that finds it easy to open up and share how much I was hurting to the core
I’m sorry for the breakdown of our relationship and marriage that has died before it was given a chance to live. It seems like its birth was its demise.
I’m sorry for feeling helpless without admitting that there was something I could have really done to change/make things better
I’m sorry for turning things on you when I was feeling very down, insecure, and weak
I’m sorry for liking the pain I feel when I say/do things to make you leave…it’s almost like an intoxicated addiction. I must say that I loved the hurt because it made me feel tough
I’m sorry for giving up on our marriage the moment it was borne instead of nurturing it…I killed it because I thought it was the end instead of the beginning