Road to Happy ness

"I love my husband way too much to live without having him around. He made me feel safe and comforted by the things I admired most about him: he cooks for me, clean up around the house, bought me nice things that aligns with good taste. The disrespect and humiliation is a small price to pay for my version of happiness. 



I know that he loves me but he has a lot of issues that just got in the way of things.  If I leave him, he is going to deteriorate so I need to protect him.  I can help him. As his wife, it’s my responsibility to pray for my husband so he can be delivered from all his demons." I take my marriage vows very seriously: “in sickness & in health, til death do us part.”

Took me 9 years to realize that I am suppressing my needs, expectations and wishes by being passive and naive.  As a result, my needs are neglected and I am at war with certain core values; fighting a raging, endless war with myself. This also had a double impact on the limitations I set for my relationship because I have breached certain boundaries as well as allowing others to cross them as well.  I would also realize that my profound unhappiness, unfulfilling desires, stagnant growth, and a feeling of void was due to a lack of self-awareness.  I recalled jumping frantically from my sleep one night to question where I was and surprisingly who I was.  I had an outer body experience, like I was in a trance and everything and everybody around me seemed strange.  When I awoke, I ran around the house trying to make sense of why I was there (in my own home) and asked myself, "who are these people?"  I was so deeply moved by this revelation that I started praying in hopes of gaining some clarity and drawing some reference to my day to day life from that point on. 

As time progressed, I began to learn that being in a mutually fulfilling relationship, first I must have enough self-knowledge to understand and articulate my needs, which in turn will give me a sense of how to feel happy.  We are all unique in our own way and it is our values that dictate the way we choose to live and if we think otherwise we risk settling into a life that is not suited for us.  The choice to live in a marriage marred by infidelity and mistrust brought on issues of decision making, trust and self-knowledge.  Since I was so lax with what I really wanted in the relationship and living by 'his terms' per se, I had a difficult time identifying why I would choose to be part of all this drama and better yet expose my children to it.  Deep down inside me I know everything was out of place because I ignored my instincts.  I was always fully aware of his little flings, knowing that one day this would  be the demise of the relationship if I don’t get a grip of who I am, what I wanted and how much I trust myself that I can make it all happen the way I want it to.  Furthermore, feeling empty and void on the inside worsen the situation because I was constantly seeking to fill the voids, which place him in a position to undermine my self-worth, not fulfilling my needs and expectations since I have a hard time articulating, understanding and being respectful of them myself.  Since I didn’t, he won’t either.  I had to constantly remind myself that I don’t need any false sense of security, and validation from a person who is self-centered, and superficial.

On the contrary, I now realize that I have to understand my needs in order to understand my values and vice versa. It all makes sense now why I was feeling like there was always something “missing” and that I am being neglected because it was exactly so.  I realigned my focus and redirected my attention, looking to the rightful person, who is highly capable and respectful of my own feelings, needs and values, Moi.  There is no guarantee that forming a relationship based on attraction, familiarity, long-term bonds are equivalent to achieving a great relationship with all your needs being met, however, when two people who are willing to value themselves and meet and respect their own individual needs and values, they’ll be happiest in their relationship and in any situation where they have shared common values.

Speaking of 'happy,' I often questioned how happy he was with himself, the relationship and myself because he hung out all the time, dated other women, and always have kept busy in the partying scene.  I assumed that he was very happy just the way things were while I have developed an insatiable urge of ‘hunger’ for happiness but I was forced to deal with the crumby diet I was on.  I felt like he has to be contented because his needs and wants are being met despite the fact that what I have seen is far from enough. He has a soft side but I didn’t believe that empathy was his strongest suit so I thought that he also assumed that if it’s alright with him then it’s alright with me………………………………………………………………………...to be continued